


There's a past; it won't break me any more

by Changed_For_Good (orphan_account)



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Cat is gonna be the only good thing I can feel it, Emotional Trauma, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, anyway back to the task at hand, are y'all ready for the fuckery because I am, basically a preemptive 2x21 fix it fic, depression!lena, im ready for that bullshit, self harm tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-10-30 18:16:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,260
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10882308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Changed_For_Good
Summary: When Kara saves Lena from being kidnapped, there is a cost. Lena is guilty that Kara is the one who has to pay it.





	There's a past; it won't break me any more

**Author's Note:**

> There is a self harm trigger warning tagged, and this is just a warning that self harm is mentioned and described in this fic. PLEASE don't read it if that's something that will trigger you! It's not excessively gory or drawn out, but it is featured. Please take care of yourself.

It was her fault.

That's what her own mind screams at her over and over again. What had been repeated like a holy scripture over and over since she woke up on the cold floor of an alien space ship. Above her stood Rhea, of course it was Rhea. And Mon-El, her son. It figured that the arrogant, selfish, murderous man who had been unwilling to do anything to help them was also the man dating her best friend.  
Kara Danvers, the light and joy of her life, deserved better than this man.

She always had faith enough in Kara to find them, on that ship. But when they began forcing her into traditional Daxamite wedding clothes, she wasn't sure it would be soon enough. 'Intergalactically binding', Rhea had promised, the marriage to her son.

And for someone who had forgone the opportunity to restore his planet twice in order to remain with Kara, Mon-El did not look at all bothered about not remaining with Kara.

And of course Kara arrived in time, decked in her magnificent supersuit, eyes blazing with rage. What Lena wasn't expecting was for her to run in shouting her name, looking for her. Mon-El was nothing but an afterthought in a mission to save Lena off of the enemy space ship.

Which was why, when Rhea made Kara choose between Mon-El and Lena to save, Kara only hesitated for effect before choosing Lena. It was clear that Mon-El would never make good on his promise to change and become a hero.

But Lena felt guilty, because surely she should have seen how evil Rhea was. How was she so pathetic, so useless, so _naive_ as to think that someone could genuinely see something in her? And now her best friend had been forced to sacrifice her love, no matter how undeserving, for her. Kara was hurting _because of her._

She couldn't exactly recall the events that led her to be sat on her bathroom floor, razor blade in hand. All she knew was that there was a pronounced lack of tears as she dragged the point along her thighs. It took a few seconds for blood to pool there, but when it did it was bright and somewhat beautiful, forming glass-like ruby balls before running delicately down the sides of her thighs, to the floor. She couldn't remember how long she'd been there, how many times the blade had scraped her skin. How long the voices in her mind encouraged her to deepen them, lengthen them, because she was useless, useless, _useless_ -

"Lena?" 

The call was tentative, familiar, and unmistakably Kara. She must have flown in, now that Lena knew she was Supergirl and she no longer had to hide these things. She hoped to have an opportunity to joke with Kara about that, when they weren't both hurting, when Kara wasn't about to find Lena still clutching a bloody razor blade.

A lump swelled in Lena's throat before she could answer, but Kara could hear her heartbeat, could see her through the walls and-  
Oh rao.

Kara felt her heart plummet as she spotted Lena, and immediately she _knew_. She was careful in approaching the bathroom, in cracking open the door. She knew better than to gasp, or make a fuss. She moved until she was crouching before Lena, brushing the hand that quickly relinquished the thin strip of metal from a disposable razor. Kara pushed it to the side, out of reach. She didn't need to ask Lena anything to know why, to know what was going on in her head.  
"Nothing that happened was your fault, Lena." She whispered, vaguely aware of the fact that she was treading on her own cape, still dressed in her suit. Lena took a deep, shuddering breath as Kara's fingers caressed her hand.  
"You shouldn't worry about me, Kara, you should be saving people. I'm _selfish_ , and-"  
"No, Lena, I don't just save people. I also help people, and right now you are a person who needs help. You didn't call me, I came to you. You're not selfish, Lena, I promise you." Kara soothed her, and Lena choked back tears. Kara quickly assessed the damage on Lena's thigh.  
"Do you have a first aid kit?" Kara whispered, and when Lena shook her head, she leapt into action. It had barely been seconds before Kara was back, bag in hand. Out of it, she pulled some skin closure strips, rubbing alcohol, cotton wool balls, and large plasters.  
"Will you let me help you?" Kara asked, and Lena could only nod as a tear dropped down her face.  
"It will sting a little, I'm sorry." Kara said, pouring a little of the alcohol on to the cotton wool ball and running it lightly over the wounds, wiping up the blood. She winced ever time Lena hissed in pain, whispering apologies each time. It took 10 minutes of gentle wiping for the blood to stop.

Once each cut was gently covered, Kara took a washcloth from the side of Lena's sink and ran the hot tap over it until it ran warm. She ever so softly cleaned Lena's hand of blood, before kissing her on the forehead. It was only seven o'clock, but the darkness beneath Lena's eyes indicated she hadn't slept properly in days.

She held her arms open for Lena, and Lena didn't hesitate before climbing in to them, clinging tight to the strength and security that only came with Kara's arms wrapped around her. She carried Lena through to her bed, and placed her on it tenderly.  
"Where do you keep your bedclothes?" Kara asked, to which Lena pulled a loose fitting black t-shirt from beneath her pillow.  
"What do you need, Lena?" She asked, and Lena felt shame rise in her as she uttered the words "Stay with me... Kara... please?"

It took Kara milliseconds to recognise Lena's self loathing and guilt. She wished she could erease it.  
"You are not a bad person for wanting or needing help or company, Lena." She assured her, crouching before her to be at eye level.  
"I want to be with you, here. I love being with you. I love you as a person, Lena, and I'm your friend. Ride or die." By the time she had finished speaking, Lena was clutching her hands tightly, her forehead resting against Kara's, trying not to cry.  
"I love you too, Kara." She sniffed eventually, and Kara couldn't help but smile.  
"Do you have anything I could wear?" Kara asked, standing up as Lena released her hands. Lena wiped her eyes before gesturing to her chest of drawers.  
"Anything in the second drawer," She said, and Kara picked out a loose blue t-shirt and a pair of baggy grey trousers. She took her time changing, and then used a cloth from Lena's bathroom cabinet to clean the blood of the floor, and discarded of the contaminated razor blade in the bin. By the time Kara got back into Lena's room, Lena was huddled in a fetal position on her bed.

Kara sat beside her, saying nothing, but dragging her fingertips lightly over Lena's upper arm. Lena reacted to Kara's touch instantly, sitting up before crawling into her lap. It took mere seconds for Kara to manoeuvre them so that she was on her back with her head on the pillows, and Lena was pressed up against her, head resting on her chest.  
"Thank you for being here for me, Kara." Lena said after a few moments of silence. Kara kissed the top of her head.  
"You mean so much to me, Lena. I want to be here for you, through thick and thin, if you want me and you'll let me," Kara told her.  
"I can't imagine living a life where you're not here because I didn't help you on time." She added, trying desperately not to sob on those words. Lena felt the wobble in her voice, and let a tear of her own slip out.  
"I'm so sorry, Kara, you deserve a friend who doesn't make a mess of everything-"  
"No, Lena, listen. You deserve a friend who is here for you, who supports you for who you are. Who loves you. I want to be that for you like you've been for me."  
"What Rhea put you through was unforgivable. She manipulated you, and I wasn't there for you when you needed me-"  
"- your sister got kidnapped, Kara, you can't blame yourself for that-"  
"Then you can't blame yourself for what happened with Rhea and Mon-El. That was on them. That was their fault, not yours, _never_ yours. I know what it's like to have those voices in your head, telling you how worthless you are. I watched my planet die and went on to fail my people by not completing the only mission I was chosen to survive for. I know, Lena."  
"The only reason I do not have the same scars as you do is because they didn't sell kryptonite laced razors when I'd have used them. And I know that all I wanted then was someone to hold me, to tell me it will be okay. Even if I didn't believe them. And if you need something different please tell me, but if not... are you willing to let me be here for you?"  
"Please, Kara. You and your friendship is everything I have ever wanted." Lena whispered, her voice barely audible through the threat of tears. She lifted her head to look at Kara as she spoke.  
"Thank you, Lena." Kara sighed.  
"No, thank _you_ , Kara."

It took Kara no time at all to realise how touch starved Lena was. She practically melted in to Kara as she stroked over any skin she could find with her fingertips, or rubbed her back gently, or played with her hair. She would have expected that having Lena laying on her in nothing but a baggy t-shirt and boxer pants would have been inherently more sexual than it was, but seeing how much Lena enjoyed such simple contact was simply heart warming.  
"Sleep, Lena. You must be exhausted." Kara whispered after a while, as Lena clearly struggled with her mission to stay awake.  
"I don't want to sleep. I'll miss cuddling you." Lena murmured, and Kara couldn't help but giggle.  
"I'm here for as long as you want me. I'll be here when you wake up. I promise." Kara assured her, and it wasn't seconds later that Lena finally succumbed to sleep.

\---

Lena became aware of a multitude of things at once. A stinging pain annoyed her thigh, and there was more hair than usual stuck to her face. And her pillow moved gently with every breath. That would be Kara's boob that she was laying on.  
"Morning, princess." Kara smiled, slightly before kicking herself at the nickname. She had never called Lena 'princess' in her life, but clearly the domesticity had gotten to her.  
"Whatimeisittttt?" Lena slurred, blinking rapidly.  
"3am. You don't have to wake up, Lena, you can go back to sleep." Kara insisted, but Lena was determined in shifting so she could look at Kara.  
"I want to see you." She replied, a lot more coherently all of a sudden. And then she was staring into the soulful eyes of Lena Luthor. Lena Luthor, who had been hurt and betrayed and manipulated but still held all that was good in the world in her heart. Lena who, amongst the madness of her xenophobic family, spent her teenage years trying to cure cancer. Lena who, when confronted with alien technology, instantly imagined up scenarios where world hunger and climate change could be ended. Lena who had every excuse to be evil, twisted, and hateful, but still managed to make the world a better place whilst taking her anger and disppointment out on only herself, shut in a bathroom with only a blade.

Kissing Kara was everything Lena imagined it would be and more. She told herself that she barely deserved to be kissing Kara, a woman who lost everything, an entire planet full of friends and relatives and memories and still came out with a heart as pure as anything, and a determination to do better, to be better. It was what spurred Lena on most these days, and she couldn't even begin to show how thankful she was.

There were hands in hair and across shoulders and caressing jaws and cheeks as they kissed, kissed until they felt loved and safe and warm. And when they finally broke apart, Lena rested her forehead against Kara's, and Kara entwined their fingers.  
"Lena?" Kara whispered after what felt like an age of just holding, of just breathing and appreciating and _being_  
"Yes?"  
"When I called you my friend earlier... would you maybe consider letting me change it to girlfriend?"  
"Only if you're happy for me to do the same for you, Kara." Lena smiled, and they were kissing again. Soon enough, they fell asleep again. And even when Kara dragged Lena to the doctors the next day to get a prescription of antidepressants that worked for her, she felt nothing but complete adoration for the woman she was lucky enough to call her girlfriend, who would hug her without hesitation or reserve, who checked in on her regularly, who loved her and supported her and protected her.

The scars on her thighs grew to remind her that she had always been wrong. She could find happiness, and her happiness was with Kara Danvers, her supergirl.

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sick of this show completely brushing off any trauma that the characters experience. I am sick of them treating Kara like a stupid bubbly space puppy when she watched her planet die, and I'm sick of them treating Lena like some petty edgelord when she probably has legitimate mental trauma from being repeatedly manipulated.
> 
> I just really wanted to write my girls loving each other unconditionally. No matter what the writers put them through. Also Manwhat who?
> 
> Thanks for reading, and I hope this was as good to read as it was cathartic to write. Find me at @a-screaming-gay on tumblr if you want to talk! Kudos and Comments are greatly appreciated!!


End file.
